So not cool.

Double rainbow from the BKE

I thought this was so poignant. I can't remember the last time I saw a rainbow, and I've never seen two at once before. Probably if I had superhuman eyesight I would've been able to see a feinter third rainbow and an even feinter fourth rainbow and so on until infinity...

Schindler's lift

I half expected for the lift doors to jam shut and for poison gas to start pouring in from the vents.

MEESA JAR-JAR BINKS!!!

PISSA!

HEALTH!!

CEA-TRE!!!

You laugh, you laugh... but actually, it's a cross between a health cen-tre and a movie thea-tre.

... That's run by italians who like to "peeeeesssss-a you awwwwfffff-a!"

Snap!!!

Haw Par Villa - Ten Courts of Hell

Welcome to the 2nd installment of Haw Par Villa (tagline: "Not the most subtle place in the world.")

"Aw Boon Har's first tiger car - two red bulbs were placed in the tiger's eye sockets and the sound the horn produced was a tiger's roar"

On to what most people go there for - the Ten Courts of Hell!

anthropomorphised livestock help ease your transition into hell

The park operators are well aware of this, which is why it costs $1 for entry. But even before you enter the actual attraction it's already paid for itself:

pet shop anarchy

(thought bubble: "at least don't need to do NS")

"oh yeah you're really hitting the spot!"

First Court of Hell:

Essentially, you are sorted into EM1, EM2, or EM3.


Second Court of Hell:


If you've ever played mahjong for money:

"SHIVER ME NIPPLES!"

And for all the downtrodden who were forced into prostitution due to circumstances beyond their control...

"a pool of BLOOD? shit!"

... well, life after death will continue to suck.



Third Court of Hell:


Cynical bloggers with political agendas get their comeuppance:

"dude, that's not meant to be pulled!!!!"

As do stubborn couples who refuse to have their traditional wedding ceremony:

"why do you have to be a, heart-brea-ker"

I think this would be such a great photograph to use in Chinese Oral exams. You know the part where you have to describe the picture in a language that completely eludes you? Yah.

Fourth Court of Hell:


IRAS would love to do this to you:

"so you see, the technique is all in the wrist... yes, yes, that's right, i think you've finally got it..."

And if you ever thought of putting your parents in a nursing home (in Johore)...

"grinding people with a large stone is actually very fun, it's just the cleaning up that's a bitch!"

Fifth Court of Hell:


Is dedicated to all credit card companies and the people who work for them.

"don't fuck with me, i have a GIANT COTTON BUD"

Sixth Court of Hell:


All of my favourite hobbies are listed here!!!

"... and THAT's for not wearing your name tag to school, be-yotch!"

"Try surfing porn now, sucker!!!"

At this part I started losing faith in the judicial system of the Chinese Afterlife, because - come on - kidnapping someone is WAY WORSE than cursing their mother.

takeaway point: if you ever have too many knives hanging around your house, you can always consider making a hill of them or a tree of them.

Seventh Court of Hell:


Rumour mongers
Sowing discord among family members
--> Tongue pulled out


Rapists
Driving someone to their death
--> Thrown into wok of boiling oil


Mainly Little Nonya stuff.


Eighth Court of Hell:


This is where the King of Hell realised the number of punishments he'd dreamt up far exceeded the actual number of different crimes, so he started repeating.

"wait, didn't i get punished for the whole filial piety and cheating thing already?"

Ninth Court of Hell:


More repeats, and also a "catch all" clause to make sure necrophiliacs don't get off scot free.

ew.

Tenth Court of Hell:


This is the part where they decide what you get reincarnated into.


If you're pretty ok you get to be a domestic house pet.
If you're not, you get to be a civil servant in your next life.



And then this woman feeds you something which makes you forget every damn thing you ever knew (including A-level Bio)...

"pure, natural spring water from the swiss alps"

... So that you're ready to START ALL OVER AGAIN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

if you're really lucky you get to become a fossil.

Haw Par Villa - the Absurdist's choice

I realise I never really understood the meaning of "WTF?!?!" until I went to Haw Par Villa.


I mean, I thought I did...


... But really, I didn't.


Like, seriously.

"hug meeeee!!!"

Ok, first of all, what's up with all the chimerical imaginings?

"hallo? ah, xiao jie ah? ... hallo..?"

Maybe their sculptor sniffed one Tiger Balm too many.

"take me home!!! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..."

Well, I suppose mermaids are more typical.

(thought bubble:) god-DAMN we be some sexay bitches!

"baby, make love to me like it was the first time."

And then there are the moralistic tableaus with the tenuous grips on logic.

"OH MY SON!!! YOU HAVE BEEN SQUASHED FLAT LIKE A PANCAKE BY THE AH MAT DRIVING THE CAR!!!"

moral:
GAMBLING IS BAD!

"HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD HELP US WE ARE BEING RANDOMLY ATTACKED BY A PACK OF... of... um... sheep? uh... wait... maybe they're wolves... er... hmm. well isn't that interesting. ok, now we're confused."

moral:

LOYALTY IS GOOD!

(and by the way, they're wolves.)




"SO LONG SUCKERS!!! bet you're regretting not taking those reptile-balancing classes right about now! yahahahahaa"

moral:
BE KIND TO ANIMALS!

Okay lah, some do make sense.

Especially "in light of the current financial crisis" <-- (everyone likes saying this phrase.)

As my friend noted, Haw Par Villa also espouses the values underlying the Scandinavian welfare system:


And something for all you PSC scholars in the audience:


(I just have no idea why the captionist is so obsessed with the idea of running a grocery business.)

Alright, next post - the Ten Courts of Hell! a.k.a "I am so screwed."

Ever felt that your life lacked a certain...

... sense of Porpoise?

Welcome to Hougang Pt 4

Looks like Resident Evil right?


We stepped out of our flat at 7.30pm to realise that half of our block was unlit (by that I mean the half that we stay in of course). No corridor lights, no void deck lights, no stair case lights.

I'm not sure if it's just the timing that was screwed up, or it's just some fuse that blew (maybe the fuse was very excited for christmas).

Anyway, the "blackout" allowed us to experience the one-of-a-kind pleasure of navigating down 4 flights of stairs in a pitch-black stairwell aided only by handphone light. Perhaps the only other people in Singapore who have experienced this are those who have gone ghost hunting at, I dunno, Old Changi Hospital (which is gonna be turned into a spa resort by the way!).

I'm not so brave/foolhardy so maybe I should consider myself lucky.

Welcome to Hougang Pt 3

Our downstairs neighbours have 10 chickens, 2 rabbits, and maybe 3 cats.

So cock!!! (get it? hurhurhur)

I think they're pretty cute, actually. But then again, I haven't moved in and got woken up at the crack of dawn everyday yet.

I met this guy who used to be from NEA and he told me that the maximum number of chickens allowed per household is 10. (I think the rule applies to live chickens only...) I don't know where that number came from but hey, looks like our neighbours have their shit together!

In other news, I got a new phone with a better camera. The bad thing is that it's also a pervert-proof camera, i.e. cannot turn off the photo-taking sound. This really sucks.

Why I love the Bird Park

"Because there got a lot of birds"

I took other photos too, but seem to have lost them. Other favourite places include:

• The Zoo ("because Ah Meng is buried there! =)" <-- I think this one was sarcastic.)
• Wild Wild Wet ("because I can play the water there" <-- not kidding, if I remember right)

Physical Planning...

... it's a real torture test alright!!!


Just kidding. PLEASEDON'TFIREMEILOVEYOU!!!

Welcome to Hougang Pt 2

So Kill Bill right?

I feel bad that one of my future neighbours is in financial trouble.

When we came back a few days later, the paint had been dutifully scraped off!

Welcome to Hougang

HDB has really weird taste in public art.


I still have no idea what this is all about, but it makes me love Hougang even more.

I didn't even notice the kid was using the double-disembodied foot as a racing platform for his toy car until after I took the photo.

The congrats

In case you've ever wondered what happens after your ROM...




Now you know!

I feel genuinely touched, but at the same time, my spine is inexplicably all tingly and creepy-like.

I wonder whether Low Thia Kiang will also congratulate us on, say, the birth of our first child? (Would Yeo Guat Kwang..?)

What a ROMp!

Well, so, the good news is I managed to trick someone into marrying me :)

The bad news is we didn't manage to take a photo with the above shrubs, which seem to have disappeared since the last time we visited ROM a few years back.

Did you know that before the actual day itself, you have to trudge down to ROM at 8.30 in the morning so that they can verify your documents and you can swear that you're not already married?

The inside is like a polyclinic and, while you wait for your number to appear on the screen, you sit and watch this HUGE plasma TV which airs this ROM promo vid, teaching you everything you need to know about being a well-behaved married couple. Which means handling in-laws, handling finances, and of course, handling each other...


... PHYSICALLY!


I swear to god, I never thought that the Singapore Government would ever, ask me to locate anybody's "sensitive areas".

(And I don't even believe in god...!)

Maybe I should call MDA on them. For glorifying heterosexuality, of course. How dare they portray the heterosexual identity in such a positive light! It gives the absolute wrong impression that men and women can live together happily and even (GASP!) raise kids!!!

The truth is out there

My loved ones always threaten to leave me whenever I start singing "(Mas) Selamat... Hari Raya... duhduhduduhduhduhduduhduhhhhh" (I have NO idea what the rest of the lyrics are).

Anyway, maybe I'm not being an obedient cibil serpant, but I can't help feeling that there's something awfully odd about the whole Mas Selamat saga?

It could be that the gahmen is actually telling the truth, and the truth is just...
well...
kind of pathetic.

...

OR! Much more fun, it could be that the gahmen is LYING, and everyone who loves conspiracy theories can have their day in the sun. I am so proud of my future MP Low Thia Kiang:

LTK: Is the DPM aware that there is speculation that Mas Selamat died inside WRDC?

Wong Kan Seng: May I ask Mr Low whether he believes that indeed Mas Selamat has died?

LTK: No, I don't.

WKS: I do not know why he wants to raise it here. I see no point in perpetuating a ground speculation in this House and giving credence to it.

(This is the part where some random third person goes "SNAP!!!".)

Why can't Wong Kan Seng just say, "No, Mas Selamat did not die in the WRDC"? (a la "No, I did not have sex with that woman.")

...

Maybe because that would be factually inaccurate...?

...

(maybe this would open up public debate for the first time on what "die" actually means...?)

...

Also, what do you mean NO VIDEOTAPE IN THE VIDEOCAM? Maybe Tammy has a thing or two to learn from the ISD :)

All I'm saying is my fish sense is tingling and telling me that something fishy has gone on / is going on and the collective wool is being pulled over our collective eyes.

The Mas Selamat Report:
I WANT TO BELIEVE.

Somebody turn on Sabbath Bloody Sabbath already, man...

The archnemesis of Penesonic

It's just like OSIM vs. OTO, except MUCH BETTER!!

My favourite brand of TV

Speechless

Soooooooooooooo gay.

Yes, that's right. So TOOT.