Welcome to the 2nd installment of Haw Par Villa (tagline:
"Not the most subtle place in the world.")
"Aw Boon Har's first tiger car - two red bulbs were placed in the tiger's eye sockets and the sound the horn produced was a tiger's roar"On to what most people go there for - the Ten Courts of Hell!
anthropomorphised livestock help ease your transition into hell
The park operators are well aware of this, which is why it costs $1 for entry. But even before you enter the actual attraction it's already paid for itself:
pet shop anarchy
(thought bubble: "at least don't need to do NS")
"oh yeah you're really hitting the spot!"
First Court of Hell:
Essentially, you are sorted into EM1, EM2, or EM3.
Second Court of Hell:
If you've ever played mahjong for money:
"SHIVER ME NIPPLES!"
And for all the downtrodden who were forced into prostitution due to circumstances beyond their control...
"a pool of BLOOD? shit!"... well, life after death will continue to suck.
Third Court of Hell:
Cynical bloggers with political agendas get their comeuppance:
"dude, that's not meant to be pulled!!!!"As do stubborn couples who refuse to have their traditional wedding ceremony:
"why do you have to be a, heart-brea-ker"
I think this would be such a great photograph to use in Chinese Oral exams. You know the part where you have to describe the picture in a language that completely eludes you? Yah.
Fourth Court of Hell:
IRAS would love to do this to you:
"so you see, the technique is all in the wrist... yes, yes, that's right, i think you've finally got it..."
And if you ever thought of putting your parents in a nursing home (in Johore)...
"grinding people with a large stone is actually very fun, it's just the cleaning up that's a bitch!"
Fifth Court of Hell:
Is dedicated to all credit card companies and the people who work for them.
"don't fuck with me, i have a GIANT COTTON BUD"
Sixth Court of Hell:
All of my favourite hobbies are listed here!!!
"... and THAT's for not wearing your name tag to school, be-yotch!"
"Try surfing porn now, sucker!!!"At this part I started losing faith in the judicial system of the Chinese Afterlife, because - come on - kidnapping someone is WAY WORSE than cursing their mother.
takeaway point: if you ever have too many knives hanging around your house, you can always consider making a hill of them or a tree of them.
Rumour mongers
Sowing discord among family members
--> Tongue pulled out
Rapists
Driving someone to their death
--> Thrown into wok of boiling oil
Mainly Little Nonya stuff.
Eighth Court of Hell:
This is where the King of Hell realised the number of punishments he'd dreamt up far exceeded the actual number of different crimes, so he started repeating.
"wait, didn't i get punished for the whole filial piety and cheating thing already?"
Ninth Court of Hell:
More repeats, and also a "catch all" clause to make sure necrophiliacs don't get off scot free.
ew.
Tenth Court of Hell:
This is the part where they decide what you get reincarnated into.
If you're pretty ok you get to be a domestic house pet.
If you're not, you get to be a civil servant in your next life.
And then this woman feeds you something which makes you forget every damn thing you ever knew (including A-level Bio)...
"pure, natural spring water from the swiss alps"... So that you're ready to START ALL OVER AGAIN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.
if you're really lucky you get to become a fossil.
"Aw Boon Har's first tiger car - two red bulbs were placed in the tiger's eye sockets and the sound the horn produced was a tiger's roar"
anthropomorphised livestock help ease your transition into hell
pet shop anarchy
(thought bubble: "at least don't need to do NS")
"oh yeah you're really hitting the spot!"
"SHIVER ME NIPPLES!"
"a pool of BLOOD? shit!"
"dude, that's not meant to be pulled!!!!"
"why do you have to be a, heart-brea-ker"
"so you see, the technique is all in the wrist... yes, yes, that's right, i think you've finally got it..."
"grinding people with a large stone is actually very fun, it's just the cleaning up that's a bitch!"
"don't fuck with me, i have a GIANT COTTON BUD"
"... and THAT's for not wearing your name tag to school, be-yotch!"
"Try surfing porn now, sucker!!!"
takeaway point: if you ever have too many knives hanging around your house, you can always consider making a hill of them or a tree of them.
"wait, didn't i get punished for the whole filial piety and cheating thing already?"
ew.
"pure, natural spring water from the swiss alps"
if you're really lucky you get to become a fossil.
"hug meeeee!!!" 
"hallo? ah, xiao jie ah? ... hallo..?"
"take me home!!! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." 
(thought bubble:) god-DAMN we be some sexay bitches!
"baby, make love to me like it was the first time."
"OH MY SON!!! YOU HAVE BEEN SQUASHED FLAT LIKE A PANCAKE BY THE AH MAT DRIVING THE CAR!!!"
moral:
"HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD HELP US WE ARE BEING RANDOMLY ATTACKED BY A PACK OF... of... um... sheep? uh... wait... maybe they're wolves... er... hmm. well isn't that interesting. ok, now we're confused."
moral:
"SO LONG SUCKERS!!! bet you're regretting not taking those reptile-balancing classes right about now! yahahahahaa"
moral:
